So since we’ve been unpacking, I’ve discovered some interesting things about myself:

• I have a penchant for buying Christmas cards that I never send. I’m pretty sure I’ve found at least 8 packs.
• I have a lot of craft equipment I haven’t used. This includes a mask, liquid resin and petroleum jelly.
• There are things about my past that are better left in boxes. “Things” includes network marketing.

I also found this.

Yes, it’s a puppet. I know.

No comments.

“What kind of movies do you like, horror?”

The consultant asked earnestly, still maintaining awkwardly intense eye contact.

“Well yes actually…”

“It seems to be a popular genre around here.” He cut me off, still doing the crazy eye thing. I wondered, then, whether he was profiling me and had concluded that we were, in fact, an office full of potential serial killers posing as a web design agency.

Actually, I’ve been intrigued by horror movies since I was a kid. I blame that one Bollywood movie, Purana Mandir (directly translated to “old temple”), in which the scenes were always set at night in a big old house (possibly temple) with curtains flying in the wind and a demon wandering the grounds. I was maybe 5 or 6 when I watched it - my mum claims she found me sleepwalking after. For years I was petrified of it until I watched it again later in my adult life and found it to be hilarious and not scary in the slightest, but it was too late - I had already been Hooked onto Horror.

(Dun dun dun.)

I think the best horror movies are the ones with the big, haunted old house with the curtains blowing in the wind. And what gets me every time is that there’s always someone who’s willing to stay in this big, haunted old house - alone. I mean, come on lady! The curtains are billowing - that’s right, billowing, doors are opening, ceramic figurines are moving their heads, the power goes off and you do what? Go into the basement in the dark with scary old dolls sitting in the shelves, staring at you?

Hell, if my curtains were blowing in the wind and the power went off, I would get into my car and drive the hell away. But not this lady. No, this lady goes into the basement, finds the fuse box, flips a switch and then goes “oh phew - it was just a burnt fuse, nevermind those freaky doll heads laughing at me, I can go back and sleep soundly now” when the lights come back on.

Which brings me to my escape plan - because if my curtains were, in fact, billowing in the wind and the power went off and I tried to get into my car and drive away, I would, in fact, not be able to because the garage door probably wouldn’t open, or the gate for that matter. I don’t think I even know where our fuse box is, or how to work it. I better find out, you know, just in case.

And in case you were wondering, fascination with horror movies is not among the reported childhood behaviors of a serial killer - although I did exhibit a few others on that list. Hmmm…

No comments.

So Susan Boyle - are you sick of her yet?

Don’t get me wrong - I’m really impressed that the old broad can sing, but seriously - does she need to be in the news every single day, and when she’s not in the news, is it necessary to use her as a metaphor?

I mean come on, how is this guy’s story in any way like Susan Boyle’s, or Slumdog Millionaire for that matter? At the very least, he deserves his own headline that’s not comparing him with a British woman who, according to Wikipedia, took singing lessons from a voice coach, attended Edinburgh Acting School, and took part in the Edinburgh Fringe.

But they’re both aesthetically impaired (he’s missing 2 front teeth from a racist attack, and Susan Boyle just, well, has a munted face), and can sing much to our surprise and amazement - so of course they’re the same! How could I have missed that?

No comments.

When I told my mum I was sick, naturally she freaked out.

“Oh my god, have you been to the doctor? You have to go to the doctor. Haven’t you been watching the news? You could have swine flu. What do you mean the doctor didn’t take a blood sample? He should have taken a blood sample, the stupid man.”

After all, my mum is one of these people who is very concerned about the news. Sometimes, she’ll call me during the late hours of the evening:

“Did you see the news? There’s been an earthquake in China. Thousands of people have died. I feel so sorry for them. How must they be feeling?”

So obviously I knew that her finding out I was sick would be bad news for everyone involved - especially me - but it’s not exactly easy to hide when your eyes are watering, you’re constantly sneezing and your voice sounds like you swallowed a frog that’s scraping on the inside of your throat with regurgitated bark from a dead tree.

This swine flu business is exciting, though, isn’t it? I mean, it’s all over the news - even I thought I might have it. I had, after all, being sitting behind two Mormon from Utah. They may have coughed - I read somewhere that “a single cough could infect a room full of people”. Or they might have sneezed, or spoke, or breathed, no they were definitely breathing - maybe they were breathing with their mouths open.

The benefit of being sick and having a laptop is that you can do a lot browsing on the internet, and what I discovered about this whole swine flu business is that the New Zealand Herald isn’t actually reporting anything useful. I know what you’re thinking - when does it ever, right? But isn’t this a potential global pandemic? I might have it! I need information, I need to know what I should do, what my chances of survival are - people are dying! Damn those Mormon from Utah. The only information that the Herald can offer me is that those diagnosed with the swine flu from New Zealand are “recovering at home”. People are dying, a student is positively shocked by the diagnosis, airline passengers are held in transit, and people who have been diagnosed are “recovering at home”.

So I’m reading more about this flu that has my mum threatening to call and have some words with the doctor about how he should do his job. Turns out, there are only 7 swine-flu confirmed deaths, all of which have been in Mexico. Mexico, which has reported 152 fatalities in flu-like cases in recent days. There’s no information about the demographics of these deaths. Could these people afford homes, clean water, healthcare? I don’t know - all I know is that they died. It also turns out that the regular flu has killed thousands since January - but we don’t worry about this because it’s just the flu - the plain old regular seasonal flu that doesn’t deserve the hype of it’s ridiculously named cousins because it didn’t originate from a common animal in an exotic country.

Because let’s get serious: you can’t just tell your friends you have “the flu” - everyone has “the flu”. “Swine flu”, on the other hand, is far more exciting - doubly so since the word swine in itself is so humorous. Finally, kids worldwide can say swine without getting in trouble. And swine flu is all over the news, isn’t it?

So then I thought, shit, the reason I started reading about this is because I wanted to find out what I should do if I actually have swine flu. These news articles aren’t telling me anything. Maybe I’ll need to be hospitalized and stay in one of isolation beds covered with plastic and miss work for weeks!

Finally, I found the information I was looking for on the Word Health Organization website:

What should I do if I think I have swine influenza?
If you feel unwell, have high fever, cough and/or sore throat:

• Stay at home and keep away from work, school or crowds as much as possible.
• Rest and take plenty of fluids.
• Cover your mouth and nose with disposable tissues when coughing and sneezing and dispose of the used tissues properly.
• Wash your hands with soap and water frequently and thoroughly, especially after coughing or sneezing.
• Inform family and friends about your illness and seek help for household chores that require contact with other people such as shopping.

Basically, I should stay in bed, drink lots of water and tea, watch crappy daytime television, and if possible, get a maid. And when I’m feeling better, I should take a few codrals, suck it up and go back to work.

That doesn’t sound so exciting after all.

1 comment.

Sometimes, in my awesome job, I think there’s a slight shift in perspective that may lead us to lose our grips with reality. For example, let’s consider a “critical” situation:

1. The plane that you’re on is about to crash - critical.
2. You go to a bank to withdraw some money and a masked man holds you up at gunpoint - critical.
3. You are about to die - critical.
4. A website is about to go live with some CSS bugs - critical.

Let me illustrate with a further example of a “complication”:

1. A man who needs cardiac surgery goes into hospital and comes out with a liver transplant - complication.
2. You launch a nuclear missile, it’s recalled but you’ve forgotten the launch code - complication.
3. You find out that your sister is actually your mother - complication.
4. A website is about to go live with some CSS bugs - complication.

No comments.